Sunday, February 17, 2008

No Compromise - An exploration of honesty and spirituality

The title, No Compromise, is also the title of Keith Green's biography, found here at Amazon.

He's someone who has been inspirational to me over the years, and for some reason that title jumped out at me as a good one for this post.

I first thought of posting this on my real blog sort of as a coming out to my friends and family about my new found lack of faith, but that might be seen as seeking some sort of attention or worse, antagonistic. I'm fully open to discussing my change of faith, but I do not want to get in any fights. It seems so pointless.

I've always had questions about my faith, and I've prayed for answers and sometimes I think I may have rationalized the answers and given God the credit. Why did Jesus have to die? Why did God create hell? Why did God flood men, women, and children during the time of Noah?! Why did God create Adam and Eve knowing they would fall, and then he would have to send his son to die for Adam and Eve's mistakes, for eating a piece of fruit! Speaking of that fruit, why the heck did God need to put the knowledge of good and evil into fruit? Who was going to eat it?

Now, what about me? For starters, I'm better than you, and you, and you...or at least I thought I was. I really subscribed to the Christianity is right and everything else is wrong mentality. There were always parts of the Bible that I explained away as cultural or part of the old covenant. Why is it some churches don't allow women to preach, but they are allowed to wear gold?

1 Timothy 2:9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;

1 Timothy 2:11 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

I heard a woman on the radio going on about how women shouldn't be pastors or priests, but she never even mentioned that they shouldn't wear gold or pearls. It's only a few verses away, but in the same chapter!

I used to feverishly devour apologetics literature. Ironically my entire Christian life has been plagued by apologetics books. They always made me doubt more! I read all those books wanting to squash the doubts I had from time to time, and to "… Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have…" (1 Peter 3:15). I found myself desperate to defend my faith, but was I defending it against the attacks of others, or was I defending it against my own doubts. Those books try to bring reason to a faith issue with ludicrous arguments like the gospel must be true because all the early Christians risked their lives and became martyrs for it. I bought that hook line and sinker...then the events of 9/11 ...or a look at a picture of a Buddhist monk on fire in protest, or Jim Jones, or Heaven's gate and on and on, all made me realize that being willing to die for something doesn't make it true.

One of my best friends, and one of the strongest Christians I know, told me a story once about his crisis of faith as a youth. He was questioning the very existence of God when he spotted a moth fluttering around a bush across the street. He prayed "God, if you are real, please make that moth fly to my window." He then watched the moth flitter for quite some time and then eventually make it's way to his window. I've been praying for my moth for some time now. No dice yet.

Prayer. Every time I pray it's essentially talking in my head or, if I 'm with a group, out loud. If I do it enough and really talk through an issue, the answers come. If I'm praying for someone, or for something, sometimes the answers come and sometimes not. Certainly praying for healing is a crap shoot. My fiance and I prayed and prayed for a wonderful friend of ours, if there was ever a literal saint, it was her, her body was destroyed by painful cancer and she died. Then again, I've prayed for others who have recovered. Of course any recovery has been with major help from doctors, nurses, surgery, and medication.

So basically I am working up the courage to admit, not just to myself, but to my many Christian friends, that I don't believe in God, and in fact, I'm pretty sure I never did. I told myself I did, but I always had this nagging feeling I was praying to a ceiling.

For the past ten years or so I've been troubled by the fact that we have to work so hard at believing in God. The Brother Lawrence classic Practice The Presence of God, was always an inspiration to me. He talked to God during his whole day. He truly prayed with out ceasing, just as we were commanded to in 1 Thessalonians 5:17. Then the word "practice" really started to plague my thoughts. You practice something to get better at it. Why would I need to practice the presence of the most powerful being in the universe? I don't need to practice the presence of any human. Why do I need to practice the presence of God? Wouldn't he be the most tangible of all things? Wouldn't he be more tangible than any single part of his creation? Why then do we need to sing songs about him as mnemonic devices to help us remember him, to make us feel in a certain way about him? I love my family, friends, and my fiance. I don't need to sing songs about them to make me feel that love more strongly. I just feel it.

Have I rambled enough? Let me end by addressing the title of this post again. No Compromise means exactly that. Keith Green would not compromise what he believed in, and neither will I. Maybe I'll get my moth some day, but I seriously doubt it. I can think of no experience in my life that truly made me believe God existed. I can recall lots of warm fuzzy feelings, but then I can get that from a nice commercial too. Am I an atheist yet? Probably. Can I admit it yet? Probably not. I do know that I am happy. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my soldiers. I don't have to worry whether or not it's ok for women to preach or teach. I can smile at homosexuals and tell them I am happy for them. I don't have to think persons of every other religion are going to hell. I've never lied to anyone. When I've spoken of my belief in God, I was being as sincere as I could. I really thought the warm fuzzy feelings were God speaking to me. I don't believe that anymore, in fact I think I was deluded at the time. Now I just need to get comfortable enough to admit these feelings to more than just my father, my fiance, and my friend Bill. They are the only ones I have told so far. Their feelings for me have not changed. Lets hope the rest are as understanding and accepting.

I won't ignore my moth if it shows up. I just seriously doubt it ever will.

3 comments:

Wayne said...

I love you Mike and I'm proud of you. I don't think I've ever believed the Bible as literally as you have. During my adult life I've felt it was more allegorical than literal. I've believed that it was the best understanding of those writing at that period of time. I think too that maybe some of what's in the Bible was put there by people afterward to fit their understanding of God and traditional religions. I'll wait until Mom & Uncle Bob are out in the morning so I've got some truly "free" time to respond to your blog.

Questioning Christian said...

Thanks, Dad. I love you too.

Wayne said...

Mike, I think it takes a strong person to question his or her beliefs, especially when they have been as "strong" as yours have! I know that you know that there are "positions" other than where you've been and agnosticism or atheism.

There are times when I doubt if there is an "Intelligence" behind the universe. But mostly I believe that there is and that He/She (or a word we can't conceive of because doesn’t it say somewhere in the Bible that we can’t possibly understand the complexity, power, beauty, awesomeness that is God) slowly created a universe/world and eventually "us" and that He/She wants us to learn how to love both ourselves and others.

History is told by those who survive or "win". Why should an understanding of God (the Bible) be very much different? I believe that our understanding of God has "evolved" as we understand our world and ourselves and that shows in a changing understanding of God in the Bible. I believe that the possibility of our understanding of God has become less "magical" and more "practical" or "sensible", less "severe" and "judgmental" and more "inclusive" and "accepting", less "divisive" and more "cohesive".

I don’t believe in a “magical” creature who is totally EVIL. I do believe that the way we treat others creates love and acceptance or anger, hate, resentment and an inability to see or hear others who need love and acceptance. I think this is what we perceive as EVIL, because in some “WE” have created so much pain, fear, ignorance and hatred that they “seem” EVIL to “US”.

While I don’t believe in a “magical” Santa Claus, who rides in a sled pulled by 8 tiny reindeer and who climbs down and up chimneys, I do believe in the spirit of Santa Claus. Love and thinking of others and giving to others.

"Chris's" statements seem to me to indicate that if he can't believe EVERYTHING then he'll believe in NOTHING. He goes from one rigid, severe, judgmental position to one that is less severe, rigid and judgmental in some senses but just as severe, rigid and judgmental in another sense. The throwing out the baby with the bath water kind of thing. Just because all the arguments and "apologetics" he used to use don't make sense to him any more doesn't necessarily mean that all of what he believed in is false now.

Perhaps our desire to see something more than ourselves is an evolutionary selection for survival, since if everyone were completely selfish we’d be at war with one another all the time. But maybe it’s a possibility that a Loving Being gave us choices so that we can love, understand, be compassionate and forgive others, or to be selfish and hold grudges and not be able to see the other person’s side of anything.

I believe that there is only “faith” and no “proof” that an Intelligent, Powerful, Loving Being exists. In stories from the Bible people’s “faith” has often wavered. I think it’s only natural to question what you think you know and what you believe, IF you are comfortable enough with yourself to have the strength to do so.

Enough for today:-)

Once again, I love you and am very proud of you!